Title: Tea Party
Characters: Germany, East Germany, assorted others.
Summary: A tea party had been one of England's more... Imaginative suggestions. Of course, Prussia was more than willing to take advantage.
Word count: No syniad.
Notes: Written for kivaember , who is awesome.
The idea of a meeting in the form of a tea party had been one of England's more... Individual suggestions.
Of course, America remembered the tale of the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, and seconded the motion enthusiastically, shouting about how ‘I worked with old Walt making a movie of that!’ The problem was, if those two could be persuaded to work together, they were pretty much unstoppable.
Only someone as powerful as China could say no to the two of them, though China unfortunately seemed to think this was a good idea. Why he thought this Germany had no idea. In the scale of good ideas, this ranked somewhere below asking Greece to walk the dogs.
"It will be relaxing to talk of business matters over a cup of warm tea, Germany. Stop acting like it will be the end of the world."
Yes. Relaxing. Of course. Who could fail to be relaxed while sitting near France, England and America?
Of course, he would also be sitting next to his older brother, and that rarely did anything to help with his stress levels. Considering they were two halves of the same country, East and West were as different as frogs and sheep. It was slightly depressing, really. If he was honest with himself, West had always pictured that his brother would be a hardworking, clean, polite individual.
Boy, was he disappointed.
East was loud, vulgar, and offensive, sometimes Germany wondered if his brother was secretly related to England. He was sick of having to apologise for East’s behaviour everywhere they went. Only last week Germany ended up having to pay Austria for a new piano after East had set fire to it ‘accidentally’. There was also the rising cost of having to replace the frying pans Hungary broke on East’s abnormally thick skull.
All in all, Germany missed Prussia.
At least when East was Prussia, he’d had his own house. Now they were a unified country they had to live under the same roof, make the decisions as a pair, and generally make it seem like they were getting along. At least when East was Prussia, Germany could shout at him for a bit, hit him over the head and be done with it. If he did anything like that in public now, he could hear the people talking in hushed voices. ‘Look at that, East and West are having disagreements’, ‘I wonder if Germany is going to be split again’, and, disturbingly, ‘Look, it’s a lover’s spat.’
The amount of people that thought they were a gay couple was staggering.
Of course, East did nothing to help that. He knew the whole ‘gay couple’ thing made Germany uncomfortable, and so did everything in his power to uphold the image. There was inappropriate hugging, hand holding in public, staring with intent, and, worst of all, surprise kisses. It wasn’t even as if Germany could fight back. If he did, East would go running to the government or other nations saying ‘West’s being horrible, I think he wants to split the country again’ and Germany would get weeks and weeks of people lecturing him about ‘the good of the nation’.
Hmph. The good of the nation. Germany was the nation. Why did they always seem to take the word of the former Prussian over their own country? It was, at the risk of sounding childish, really not fair.
However, lectures or not, Germany had to draw the line somewhere, and the hand on his thigh was getting very close to that line. He surreptitiously tried to brush East’s hand away while keeping his teacup straight. He looked at the source of his discomfort, and the older nation just grinned and mouthed the words ‘game on’. Germany couldn’t help but let out a small squeak as East’s hand rose higher.
He couldn’t make a fuss. Not in the middle of the world meeting… Tea party…
“And so, I think it would be of great benefit to the world today if you gave all your oil to America. We’ll keep it safe from those terrorists, and all that. Sure, we’ll take some oil for ourselves, but it’s better we have it than those terrorists. They could build bombs or something. I have the forms here, and I won’t take any objections. Russia, why don’t you sign first?”
How that America was even still a country was beyond Germany. Such idiocy from such a powerful nation, it was truly terrifying. Germany longed to put a stop to this… This…. This inanity. However, East had yet to stop stroking a very sensitive piece of his anatomy, and he didn’t quite trust himself to speak, let alone stand up.
“America, you stupid child. You use more than your fair share of oil anyway. Leave some for us.”
“I’ll fight you for it.”
Oh God. Someone had to put a stop to this right now, and nobody else seemed willing to try. Germany turned to glare at East, who raised his eyebrows in a classic ‘who, me?’ expression. Said expression would have worked better if his hand wasn’t now undoing the zip on Germany’s trousers. He tried to dislodge his brother’s hand quietly, but it was impossible. East had a good grip of his trouser fabric, and refused to let go.
Germany grabbed his porcelain teacup from the table and hit the ex-Prussian over the head.
Immediately, every head turned in unison to stare at the two Germans. One with a bright red face holding the disembodied handle of a teacup, the other gasping through a face-full of lukewarm tea. France was the first to overcome speechlessness, and, predictably, he said the one thing that could make Germany’s situation any worse.
“Look, it’s a lover’s spat.”
The murder of that French bastard was justified, truly.