Title: Stroker Ace (A totally unrelated song title.)
Characters: Germany, Italy, Prussia, France...oh, and Gilbird, of course!
Pairings: PrussiaxItaly, GermanyxItaly
Rating: T for filthy humor
Warnings: If my last Hetalia story was the written equivalent of eating a really good angel food cake, this is the written equivalent of eating a Super Slim Jim. It's cheap, salty, unsubtle, and not all that good for you. Doesn't taste half bad, though! Also, a little abuse of the French language.
Summary: Germany, looking all hunky in his best suit and tie, visits North Italy's house on an important diplomatic mission only to discover that he's not the only one visiting. This takes place following the events of the Italy path in the "Cleaning Prussia-san" game. Haven't played it yet? Check out this post.
Germany should have known, upon finding the door to Italy's home wide open, that something was amiss. Nevertheless, he knocked twice politely, then let himself in.
"Italy? Are you home?"
Of course, he realized with a scowl. It's Sunday morning. I tell him it's unhealthy to sleep in, but does he listen to a word I say?
The bedroom door was ajar as well, and the sight of Italy's feet shifting under the covers gave Germany pause. His eyes flicked down to the scarlet bouquet he held, nearly choked by the firmness of his grasp. Should I even...be here?
He nodded to himself, determined now.
Absolutely. This is something I must do.
Heart pounding, Germany entered, only to freeze on seeing just what was going on.
"Pet, pet, pet, pet, pet~"
His very own brother.
His very own brother, fast asleep in bed with Italy, fondling his soft brown hair, and, if the familiar clothing cast aside on the floor was any indication....
"PRUSSIA!! Wake up and explain yourself, THIS INSTANT!"
Italy was first to stir, eyes fluttering as he turned his head to see Germany. Prussia ever-so-slowly sat up, stretched, and smiled hazily at his younger brother, still not quite awake.
"Oh, if it isn't West..." A small yawn. "You brought me roses? What a sweet little brother." Another, longer yawn.
"Th-These?!" Germany tossed the roses aside as if they'd just bitten him, his face very nearly the same color. "They're...nothing! Now what, why, WHAT are you doing here?!"
Italy had slowly eased himself into an upright position and was now looking back and forth between the two Germans, utterly bewildered.
"W-When I've had this dream before, usually you're both Germany and we're all in bed together.... This is weird, ve."
Germany ignored Italy's superfluous observation, focusing all his anger and confusion on Prussia.
"Oh, West." Prussia waved this comment away with a smile. He'd tripped a nerve, and there was no way he could pass up a moment like this. "Don't you know what they say you're supposed to do in Rome?"
"Not the Romans! You're not supposed to do the ROMANS!"
"The Romans, ha..." Prussia glanced back at Italy, who had long ago retreated under the covers in a quaking ball of fear. "To be honest with you, West, that's not how it went down at all."
"Oh, thank goodness." Germany plopped down at the end of the bed, slumped over with his forehead in his hands. "So there's some kind of sane explanation for you and Italy sharing a bed in the nude."
"Yeah, yeah!" Prussia patted the lump of Italy. "See, I thought I'd make myself useful and help Italy here clean his house, right? But when I came over, he was asleep, and I thought I'd...pet him a little, y'know? But lookin' at him made me sleepy, so I got under the covers with him, but then I got too hot, so I took all my clothes off. So, you see? Nothing happened for you to worry about, little bro, just a little petting."
As a relatively unaffectionate nation himself, Germany was quite nonplussed.
"Nah, not like that....You know, stroking."
A veritable carousel of unspeakably perverted images twirled through Germany's mind.
"West? West! I mean...stroking like I do with my birdy, or like you do with your cat or your dogs, y'know?" Prussia picked up the chick, which had been dozing on his pillow, and rubbed the little fluffball against his cheek, eliciting a tiny peep.
Prussia had not only done disgusting things to Italy, but was now slandering Germany to his face?! Not to mention that, up until this point, Germany'd had no idea his brother had that kind of relationship with the little bird that followed him everywhere. As he pondered this development, a little curl of hair found its way up from under the covers, followed by an Italy who peered around nervously.
"...DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS!"
Germany leapt to his feet once more, absolutely furious. Prussia had always been lacking in discretion, true, but this was the absolute limit!
"Look," the blonde growled, causing Italy to disappear between the sheets once more. "I'm happy for you two, really I am, but please try to be more circumspect about your relationship in future! Now, if you'll excuse me...I must be going."
Germany marched off in a huff, confused and hurt. The door slammed hard behind him.
"Ve..." Italy surfaced again, looking like he was on the verge of tears. "I don't get it.... Why was Germany so mad? And Mister Prussia, what are you doing in my bed?"
"Why wouldn't I be, hm?" Prussia held the chicken up in front of Italy. "Wanna stroke my chick?"
"Sì!" Italy beamed at the little creature, who right away snuggled up to him. "Ve, it's so cute~"
"Good boy, Italy." Prussia couldn't help himself; he had to pet Italy a little more. If only he weren't so darned adorable! So he did...and it was wonderful. He just couldn't keep the smile off of his face.
The sound of Italy's laughter throughout the little room was infectious. It would seem that he had forgotten about Germany altogether, at least for the time being, and Prussia was fine with that; West would come to his senses sooner or later. But for now? This moment, all snuggled up with North Italy and Gilbird, was absolute bliss.
<3 HAPPY END <3
"And we are back! Before the break, I answered the letter from 'My Sister Is a Reverse-Trap', clearly from a brother who cares. Our next contributor, however, gets no end of trouble from his brother, as this letter clearly shows. It reads:
"Dear Big Brother France,
"I just found out that my elder brother is seeing my best friend; that is, the best friend I was about to confess my most intimate feelings for. (Ooh, quelle dommage!) While I wish the best of happiness to them both, it is all so very confusing. I don't know how I am supposed to act around either of them from here on out. What should I do in such a situation?
"No One You Have Ever Met.
"My, my, No One, you have quite the talent for family drama. But perhaps the solution lies not in how you treat the happy couple, but in how you treat yourself. You may not realize it, mon ami, but your fragile human heart has been smashed on the ground, trampled upon, and used repeatedly as l'urinoir public. Kittens are no longer adorable to you. The rainbow in the sky following a storm is only a big, colorful frown. I can offer you but one solution: come see me tonight, at Café L'Œil du Chat, and I will mend your poor crushed heart like only Big Brother France can do. You must trust me, it is much more effective in person. -cough-
"Our next letter is from 'Why Doesn't Anybody Notice Me?' whose friends habitually ignore him, and--hon? Oh, pardonnez-moi s'il vous plaît, but we are out of time. Until tomorrow...au revoir from Big Brother France!"
Germany switched off the radio and hung his head, really and truly depressed.
"He is quite right, yes. But I am not about to go and sleep with him."
</3 BAD END </3